I suffer terribly from imposter syndrome. Well, by my inexpert self-diagnosis anyway. I feel like a fraud most of the time and find it hard to ever accept praise or recognise my own accomplishments.
Intellectually, I’m aware that I have achieved things, and that I’m not a failure or useless, but that doesn’t stop the constant nagging feeling that perhaps I’m just being prideful for even thinking that or that everything I’ve achieved has been a matter of luck or because those judging it as an achievement just don’t know any better or are just ‘being nice’.
Quite frankly, it’s fucking awful feeling this way and I hate it. I want it to stop but I don’t know how. Praise often involves being the center of attention, at least for a little while, and I really don’t like being in the spotlight. Naturally, hating something means I’m loathe to do that to others, which is why I tend to be pretty shy a lot of the time, because I don’t like to put someone on the spot because I know how that feels. Sometimes empathy is a bitch.
I guess this blog post is the equivalent of old adage “the first step is admitting you have a problem”. I have a problem, and it’s destroying my ability to be happy. I’m a little afraid that without it, I wont have the same drive to try and achieve things I do now, but then again, striving to feel like I’ve achieved something but never feeling it is probably worse than actually feeling a sense of achievement about things, or more accurately feeling a sense of achievement without the feeling being accompanied by guilt and self-doubt.
Yes, it’s stupid. I know these feelings have no basis in fact. Sadly knowing that doesn’t stop them from being there anyway.
I deserve to feel good about the things I’ve achieved. So fuck you, brain, fuck you.