Anger has always been a problem for me. It’s not the anger itself that’s a problem, but the great that comes with it, the helplessness I feel as I lose control, the knowledge that my rationality is slowly slipping away. I feel like I’m drowning.
I hate being angry. Even talking about it makes me feel sick but I refuse to let it beat me, I refuse to be controlled.
The worst part of being angry is the aftermath. I can’t make it just go away and nothing I do really serves as an outlet. I know exactly how I could resolve it, which is usually by directly addressing the cause, but I know in every case that if I allow myself to do so it will only grant myself a temporary reprieve and inevitably make things worse in the long term.
I end up stuck in a sort of analysis paralysis where I run through different scenarios over and over in my head. I can’t help myself even when I know that every scenario results in failure to resolve the issue, including doing nothing, I just keep reliving the cause and aftermath of my anger again and again inside my head in infinite permutations trying to find a solution that will never come.
Everything becomes a variable and a cause for doubt. Even this blog post – could it be construed as a form of passive-aggressive bitching or since kind of attempt at inspiring guilt or sympathy? If it can what are the ripple effects? Will the other parties in the incident talk to other people about out from their own one sided view points and will those that listen change their behaviour in a easy that effects me negatively? All those questions and doubts buzz around my head like flies and often I come to the conclusion I should just stop caring and do nothing. I know my ability to deal with the situation rationally is compromised and even if it wasn’t the same couldn’t be said for the other parties involved. I’m a problem solver, I font like leaving things to just sort themselves out so I just feel trapped between inaction and the darker temptation to just let my anger consume me and damn the consequences.
When I think about my anger I can sympathise with addicts of various mind altering substances. I can understand the appeal of just letting go of any responsibility, of just giving in to oblivion, to not have to be part of the world any more but to be completely free from everything, if just for a moment. But it doesn’t just effect me and when oblivion hands me back to the world I know their will be far worse things waiting for me than when I left.
At the moment inaction seems the best course of action. It’s highly unpleasant but I’d rather be drowning than burning and for now any other scenario seems like it will let the world alight.
This post seems weak and pathetic as does this admission of the fact. Everything seems transparent in this anger induced paranoia of mine, every action questionable and sneered at under the harshest light but I need this act of catharsis, I need to give something up to the anger so rationality be damned, this post shall be it’s sacrifice and I’ll deal with the consequences whatever they may be. At least this way I can stop caring for a little while, stop drowning and start swimming.
